Saturday, March 19, 2011
Bob Evans Restaurant
We're celebrating spring here in Athens, Ohio. The weather's changed, birds are singing, flowers are getting ready for an early bloom, all as we joyously met for our coffee ritual. At this moment, the world centers around us, a loose-knit cast of guys who want to take over a table for a minimum of two hours at a restaurant notoriously known for it's quick table turnover (average 12 minute check times) and surprisingly terrible coffee. It's surprising because all of their coffee condiments (sausage, bacon, eggs, pancakes, etc.) are so infamously delicious.
We arrive mostly on time, not that it matters or that time is relevant to us on this day. It's risky to host an Old Man Coffee (OMC) at Bobby E's. They want you out. Don't believe me? Watch how quickly that server gives you your bill after setting your food down in front of you. That not enough for you? Ask for a coffee refill and watch the server tempt fate as she or he pours that coffee directly over top of the table, daring you to hang around while you eyeball an impressive 8-10 inch stream of coffee spiraling downward in slow motion like a running scene from Chariots of Fire, until a majority of the coffee has (hopefully!) ended up in your cup. The remainder, if you are so lucky, is usually absorbed by the paper place mat and/or napkin-rolled silverware. If you are not so lucky, and most of us are not, you have probably dashed through the restaurant by now in a turbulent frenzy, praying that the wind resistance will cool down the molten java which was haphazardly sloshed upon you, now soaked into your trousers and seared into your fleshy inner thighs.
Yes, it's a quick turn-over time and they WILL get you out one way or another.
Also, another challenge is proximity to others. No one would want to be near us if they had a choice and we certainly don't want to be near them. This is especially true for that table with no parents (or anyone at least pretending to be) and 5 children. Now, none of us have any problems with children, but it's a lot harder to slip into a ten minute dirty joke bender with kids around (not that it stopped us, but still).
We have demands. If we are going to eat here, we are going to be a pick-up table, not in somebody's section - the least priority to any self-respecting server. This will also help us rationalize a lower tip which is something our generation - a generation of generous, guilt-laden over-tippers - must come to terms with: old men don't tip well. Two bits on a table outta be enough for anyone!
But we're not really here for breakfast (okay, two of us are very much here for breakfast. More on that later), we're hear to discuss some of today's most important topics: The new budget from the state of Ohio, Archibald Barassol, talking sausages, appropriate text message etiquette, the four hour body program, Mac computers and all things Mac, university politics, stories of past meetings (we had a guest and we needed to affirm our egos and justify our existence and habits), and potential guest speakers (real old men who can impart their wisdom upon us).
2 hours of breakfast and more coffee per person than any one of us drinks per capita all week long and we are ready to solve the world's problems. Bob Evans was, after all, good to us today. But we are fickle; we probably won't go back there for a while. There are just too many other good options. We like options. Besides, the coffee is terrible.
Bob Evans Restaurant
We're celebrating spring here in Athens, Ohio. The weather's changed, birds are singing, flowers are getting ready for an early bloom, all as we joyously met for our coffee ritual. At this moment, the world centers around us, a loose-knit cast of guys who want to take over a table for a minimum of two hours at a restaurant notoriously known for it's quick table turnover (average 12 minute check times) and surprisingly terrible coffee. It's surprising because all of their coffee condiments (sausage, bacon, eggs, pancakes, etc.) are so infamously delicious.
We arrive mostly on time, not that it matters or that time is relevant to us on this day. It's risky to host an Old Man Coffee (OMC) at Bobby E's. They want you out. Don't believe me? Watch how quickly that server gives you your bill after setting your food down in front of you. That not enough for you? Ask for a coffee refill and watch the server tempt fate as she or he pours that coffee directly over top of the table, daring you to hang around while you eyeball an impressive 8-10 inch stream of coffee spiraling downward in slow motion like a running scene from Chariots of Fire, until a majority of the coffee has (hopefully!) ended up in your cup. The remainder, if you are so lucky, is usually absorbed by the paper place mat and/or napkin-rolled silverware. If you are not so lucky, and most of us are not, you have probably dashed through the restaurant by now in a turbulent frenzy, praying that the wind resistance will cool down the molten java which was haphazardly sloshed upon you, now soaked into your trousers and seared into your fleshy inner thighs.
Yes, it's a quick turn-over time and they WILL get you out one way or another.
Also, another challenge is proximity to others. No one would want to be near us if they had a choice and we certainly don't want to be near them. This is especially true for that table with no parents (or anyone at least pretending to be) and 5 children. Now, none of us have any problems with children, but it's a lot harder to slip into a ten minute dirty joke bender with kids around (not that it stopped us, but still).
We have demands. If we are going to eat here, we are going to be a pick-up table, not in somebody's section - the least priority to any self-respecting server. This will also help us rationalize a lower tip which is something our generation - a generation of generous, guilt-laden over-tippers - must come to terms with: old men don't tip well. Two bits on a table outta be enough for anyone!
But we're not really here for breakfast (okay, two of us are very much here for breakfast. More on that later), we're hear to discuss some of today's most important topics: The new budget from the state of Ohio, Archibald Barassol, talking sausages, appropriate text message etiquette, the four hour body program, Mac computers and all things Mac, university politics, stories of past meetings (we had a guest and we needed to affirm our egos and justify our existence and habits), and potential guest speakers (real old men who can impart their wisdom upon us).
2 hours of breakfast and more coffee per person than any one of us drinks per capita all week long and we are ready to solve the world's problems. Bob Evans was, after all, good to us today. But we are fickle; we probably won't go back there for a while. There are just too many other good options. We like options. Besides, the coffee is terrible.
http://www.cafepress.com/+grumpy-old-men+mugs
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